Having brightly wrapped parcels shoved in my face and being told to rip paper even though I'm not allowed to rip paper at any other time of the year. Strange people filling my house and refusing to leave no matter how much I shout at them. The Staff insisting on playing jolly, jingly music all day and refusing my politely phrased requests to watch the single best television production of all time (I mean seriously, a day without Timmy Time is just not worth even beginning - don't they get this?). So as I sat there playing with toys in my bed, I decided to put things off for as long as I possibly could and I watched the minutes tick by.
But eventually, Christmas must come to all of us, so I faced up to it bravely, and decided to confront the day head-on. I SHOUTED for The Staff and notified them that I WAS AWAKE. Sadly, they got to me far sooner today than they normally did - they weren't actually looking forward to Christmas were they? I shook my head in despair and began to marshall the troops. After a suitable period of giving directions, I had managed to get everyone up and dressed...and then I had to get re-dressed as Mummy did NOT approve of the Christmas outfit Daddy had chosen for me, apparently black trousers and a grey sweatshirt were not festive enough, even if they did match my mood....SIGH. So we waited some more while Mummy ironed my soft tartan shirt and announced that this was acceptable for Christmas. Alright already, can we get on with it yet?? What does a baby have to do to get things moving around here? So, we went downstairs and faced....
The Christmas Tree.
I know, I know, it's a pretty thing, all sparkly and glittery - particularly when viewed during the hours of darkness, which is mostly the hours during which I am awake, but that's just not the point. To me, it's a symbol of presents. And I *hate* presents. But alas, there was no escape...
Mummy pulled a brightly wrapped parcel out from under the tree and Daddy sat down beside me with it. I took a deep breath and decided to get it over with...if I must...I must. But then, something amazing happened.
Daddy pulled off a corner of paper, just enough so I could see that there was something absolutely fascinating inside. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I knew I wanted to figure it out. Hmmm....this might just be worth exploring further....So I ripped and I pulled until I found one of the very best things in the whole wide world! You see, every time we've been in Asda over the last month, I've spied this toy and tried to pull it off the shelf for a little play. Just once, Mummy made the mistake of letting me have a play to keep me quiet while she did her shopping - this was a very good idea....but it was a much, much worse idea when she decided to take it away from me and put it back onto the shelf. I had made my ideas about THAT particular idea VERY well known. But today, as I discovered, Mummy had been very, very cheeky indeed because she must have gone back to the shop on a day when I wasn't with her and bought my favourite toy after all! And look, here it was all wrapped up in paper for me to open today! Wow!
I did get a bit frustrated when I couldn't get it out of the box. Who on earth wraps toys these days? I've never seen so many tie-tags, plastic screws, so much tape and wrapping...anyone would think the people who made toys didn't actually want them to be played with! But finally, MummyDaddy helped me and I was able to play with my new JBC alphabet toy and I surprised myself by realising that I was *actually* happy - even though it was Christmas! I know, try to contain your shock, it really is extraordinary, but there it was.
However, right there and then, I conceded that one present wasn't *too* bad - but I'm not opening anymore. I'm putting my foot down MummyDaddy, one did indeed surpass expectations but I shall not be opening any more presents today, and that is final!
But suddenly, attention was diverted from me because at this point, Daddy lifted his head and sniffed the air, "What's burning?" He asked.
Both MummyDaddy rushed out into the kitchen where Mummy had been cooking some eggs for her breakfast. At first they thought it was the eggs burning....but no, it didn't appear to be those...they investigated further...
....and that was when the Very Loud Words I Am Not Supposed To Know started. In fact, they started *quite* loudly so it was rather hard to miss them if you were, well, anywhere within a mile or so... Indeed, there was rather a lot of rushing about in between The Words as MummyDaddy tried to sort out the burning, and that's when I discovered what had happened.
Mummy had done something stupid.
Really, really stupid.
So stupid, that it nearly destroyed Christmas (well far-be-it for me to suggest how possible this might have been...)
But thankfully, Daddy helped with the stupid part, or at least the not communicating part...
This is what happened you see: Last night, Daddy put the turkey, wrapped in it's plastic wrapper into the cold oven to keep defrosting overnight and to keep dogs and cats away from the meat. This seems reasonably sensible, but the problem was, that he didn't actually *tell* Mummy he had done this - she thought the turkey was in the fridge.
So when Mummy decided to turn on the grill to preheat for toast to go with her Christmas breakfast eggs........
Well, you get the picture.
200 degrees worth of picture.
Hence The Very Loud Words I Am Not Supposed To Know.
Daddy even had a tantrum. That was very funny actually. Usually it is me shouting and stamping my feet when I'm grumpy, but this time it was Daddy. I was amazed to discover that Daddy does shouting and stamping *nearly* as well as me! Then Mummy was shouting at him for having a tantrum and telling him it wasn't as bad as all that, the turkey was only a *little* bit blistered, the plastic came right off and she was *quite* sure there was none melted onto the meat, and no, Christmas wasn't ruined...well, it was really quite funny. I just sat and watched them and smirked. I mean seriously, grownups are just sooooo immature sometimes.
After all, what's wrong with grilled turkey? Even if it is still wrapped in plastic? I mean, you're gonna cook the thing anyway! So it was just a bit ahead of schedule. No big deal...if all else fails, we can have chicken nuggets for Christmas lunch. Trust me, no one will ever know the difference.
Eventually, The Staff chilled out a bit and decided the best remedy was another present for me. Well, I guess I can't fault their basic logic as I should always be the centre of attention, but I wasn't sure about this idea of opening another present. Still, Daddy sat down on the floor with me, while Mummy kept staring at her screen, and once again, he helped me to see what was inside.
But eventually, MummyDaddy had gotten bored of watching me roll my toys about. I think they might have opened a few presents themselves in the meantime, but as I'm sure you can appreciate, I wasn't watching *them*. I was busy. But then, it happened. Mummy got one of those big smiles on her face and Daddy pulled out the biggest, huuuuugest, most ginormous present ever in the whole world ever! This was the one I had been meaningfully thumping for the last few days, but they kept being mean and telling me to leave it alone. But finally, it seemed that it was time to open it! Just when I thought I had already opened all of the very best Christmas presents, it was time for this one! I got so excited, that I just had to dance around and jump and sing. I was so excited by this point that I wasn't listening when Daddy said this one was from most of my Aunties and Uncles, I didn't really care who it was from, the important thing was that it was here now.
It took me a few minutes to really notice what Daddy was doing because of my dancing, but I helped him do some ripping and then, I. Saw. It. Daddy had ripped just enough that I could see the picture on the front of the ginormous box and I froze. I crouched down and I stared fixedly at that picture. MummyDaddy, I know this toy, I have this toy at nursery and I love, love, LOVE this toy! MummyDaddy, this toy keeps me busy for hours at a time when I play with it at nursery! Is it really the same one? Has it come here to our house? Is it a Tower Slope and is it ALL for me??????? MummyDaddy, it's the best present in the world absolutely forever!!!
It took us a few minutes to get it out of the box, but I helped Daddy to tug on it and at first it was quite unstable and kept nearly toppling over on me, but that was because Daddy had to go out to His Shed (the place where magical Daddy tools are stored) to get a screwdriver. Once he had put the little blue feet onto the bottom of my toy, it got much steadier and I played and played and played. In fact, I played for so long that Daddy managed to get the turkey lunch ready while Mummy watched me and I was still playing.
At this point, they decided I was having so much fun that it would be good to leave presents at that. There were loads more under the Christmas tree but that was ok, I didn't mind waiting because I already had the best presents in the world. Besides, they told me that we're having Second Christmas in a few days when my big brother gets home from wherever else he goes, and so maybe we'll open the rest then.
There were of course other things that happened that day, like Nanny and Grandad coming round but I basically ignored them, then of course there was Christmas lunch which once again, was a definite high point of the day (mmmmm sprouts!), and finally there was nap time which I resisted quite strenuously on the grounds that it was taking me away from my new Tower Slope. We watched some TV, ate some more, played some more and well, basically, that was Christmas.
But in the end, despite my misgivings, maybe TodayChristmas isn't *quite* as bad as LastChristmas. I might just give it a go again next year...so long as MummyDaddy come up with more good presents that is...
Happy Christmas everyone! (And thank you everyone for my presents)