I was lying in my cot last night and realized it's been far too long since I've put Mummy and Daddy through a training day so I thought it was definitely time for some plotting. As I lay in the darkness and munched on Dumbles, I worked out my plan and then, after a brief snooze, put it into action.
4:03am: "MUMMY! DADDY! I AM AWAKE!"
4:04am: Hmmm the staff are being delinquent. Must call louder.
4:05am: "MUMMY! DADDY! I AM FINISHED SLEEPING NOW! COME AT ONCE!"
4:06am: Daddy stumbled into my room to find me standing up in my cot smiling as I waved Dumbles at him.
"HELLO DADDY! I'm awake now. Can we play please?"
But then, the sheer indignity, Daddy stuffed Dumbles back into my mouth and laid me down on my pillow! He gently covered me with my quilt and rubbed my back for a few minutes so I closed my eyes just to make him happy. He smiled to himself and crept out of the room as I began to count.
4:12am: "MUMMY! DADDY! I AM FINISHED SLEEPING NOW! COME AT ONCE!"
This time it was Mummy who stumbled into my room. She had quite funny bedhead so I giggled at her and bounced up and down in my cot.
4:14am: "HELLO MUMMY! I'm awake now. Can we play please?"
Ahh, this is more productive. Mummy lifted me out of my cot, and cuddled me against her. I wrapped my arms around her neck and snuggled into her mumbling happily. Then she carried me into her bedroom and settled me down on my own little pillow between her and Daddy, covering me with their duvet.
I lay as still and quiet as a mouse.
For at least thirty seconds.
Then I started to roll. And I started to kick. And I succeeded in doing a few 360 degree rotations so I was kicking Daddy in the head and tucking my face into Mummy's armpit. Then I stood on my head and tried to do a roleypoley. I nearly had it cracked when Mummy, the spoilsport pulled me back down and snuggled my head on her shoulder.
"Mummy!" I complained. "I was doing a roleypoley! I was busy!"
4:31am: "Mummy, I really am ready to get up now! Please take me downstairs for some milk and Chuggington!"
Mummy was still being a spoilsport though. She said, "Baby, you are not getting up at 4:30 in the morning. Now go to sleep."
4:33am: "BUT MUMMY! I AM AWAKE! I PROMISE I AM FINISHED SLEEPING NOW! I AM READY FOR MY MILK - I PROMISE, PROMISE, PROMISE!"
To my utter disgust, Mummy ignored my well phrased comments and laid me down again beside her. The cuddle was nice and all but it just wasn't working for me - staff training was so far leaving much to be desired. By 5am, Daddy was sighing quite a lot and occasionally punching his pillow as he tried to get comfortable. I think he might have been feeling a little bit tired but....
5:01am: "DADDY! IF YOU'RE FEELING TIRED, A NICE CUP OF TEA WILL HELP YOU WAKE UP A BIT! I know you make tea downstairs and that's perfect you see because then you can make my MILK at the same time! YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE? It's perfect really!"
Daddy groaned and covered his head with the pillow. Hmmm. This was not going as planned.
I decided my best bet was to try the roleypoley again. That would surely convinced Mummy and Daddy that I really was awake now. I stood up, bounced a bit to get ready then bent over with my nappy in Daddy's face and my arms braced on Mummy's neck while my head was wedged in her soft squishy bits.
2..... (wiggle wiggle)
1!! Over I rolled and my legs smacked Mummy in the face as she "whomphed" in surprise.
"DID YOU LIKE MY ROLEYPOLEY MUMMY? I'M GETTING REALLY GOOD AT THOSE DON'T YOU THINK???"
5:04am: Thankfully this was the final straw and Daddy realized my need for milk really was quite urgent so he went to prepare me a lovely gourmet bottle. I thought I could hear a bit of groaning from downstairs but it might have been the dog so I won't blame him for being less than enthusiastic about meeting my needs.
5:22am: I lay on my little pillow and mumbled contentedly as I gulped down my milk. Yummy, tasty milk. Mmmmm.....just the perfect way to start my day. Sadly, my bottle was empty all too soon and after I obligingly burped in Mummy's ear, she lay me down and started to pat my arm clearly hoping I would go back to sleep. She even lay down beside me with her eyes closed in an effort to inspire me.
Yah. Right. Mummy, you have much to learn.
5:34am: I am AWAKE. Awake, awake, awake, awake. Hmmm.....shall it be another roleypoley or shall I stand up and rattle the metal headboard against the neighbour's adjoining wall - which will be most effective? ::plotting::
Just then, one of the furry thingy's joined my waking up campaign and, with a great huge groaning heave and a long meeeeoooowwwwww, decided to leave the contents of it's stomach on the hall floor. Excellent! Thank you very much furry thingy! That was very helpful of you! You see? Daddy is now rushing downstairs to pick it up, this definitely means it's time to wake up. Have I mentioned how much I like furry thingy's???
5:44am: "Daddy! You're coming back for me right? Once you've cleaned up of course. DADDY? DADDY!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA?! DADDY!!!!!!!"
5:47am: Hmmm. This was not going quite according to plan. We are definitely not amused. NO Mummy, I DON'T want to cuddle! I am AWAKE. I believe I have mentioned this once or twice now, what does it take for you to get the point? You are staff, I am baby and I set the rules in this house!
OOO!!!!!!! A positively brilliant idea has just popped into my head! I can pull Mummy's hair! Why on earth did it take me so long to figure this one out? Tug. Tug. Tugtugtugtugtugtugtugtug........
Hello Mummy. Happy morning! Are you awake yet???
Unfortunately, as I have explained previously, Mummy has my stubbornness so she didn't give up easily. She is also very fond of her sleep (much too fond in my opinion) so our discussion continued, growing rather louder as the minutes passed until she finally gave in at 6:05am and took me downstairs. There she deposited me in Daddy's lap making him "uuumph!" in the process as he had the indignity to be sleeping. Fortunately, I had the perfect remedy for that so I crawled across to smile angelically into his tired face and then began to tug on one single chest hair.
6:10am: Well, somewhat later than planned but finally, both staff are successfully awake and ready to serve my every need. An excellent start to the day I think. Now then, I think the plan will be as follows:
6:15am: Watch CBeebies at a lovely loud volume and dance along to Teletubbies.
6:45am: Have a rather large poo in my pants.
6:46am: Crawl up onto the settee and settle down comfortable in Daddy's lap as the rising odour of fresh poo fills the room.
6:47am: Ensure maximum wriggling while staff attempt to change my pants.
7:00am: Demand breakfast - loudly and instantly while shouting in utter panic - I HUNGER! STAFF!!! I HAVE A RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY! FIX IT AT ONCE!!!!!
7:20am: Having finished a lovely bowl of lemon yogurt porridge, tuck into a nice slice of marmite toast.
7:30am: Bounce along to Octonauts.
7:54am: Announce that My Majesty is now tired and would quite like to retire for my morning nap, which I fully expect to last until lunchtime.
Ahhh. Staff training, Session 1A complete. Job well done.